I was talking to an old friend from school today. Oh, no. I was just chatting. Talking is a very different activity. Anyway, we practically lived together for two years during our JEE preparations. We hadn’t been in touch lately. So, it was nice to have a ‘chat’ with him today. It was mostly about our lives and career etc.
I am presently in my fourth year, the second last year before my graduation. And to tell you the truth, I am still very unsure of what to do hereon. I think about it a lot, in a very subdued way. I read books, newspapers etc. I write. Sometimes, I feel that I do this to escape from reality that this engineering thing did not work out for me. Honestly, I didnt try hard enough.
And this is true for many people around me. This was also the feeling I got from my friend today. And there is rarely any conversation about this – I mean not in terms of criticising the system that got here. I mean real conversation about what to do with being here.There is a lack of criticism of our own selves who unpurposefully came here and yet have not found a purpose.
If you know me at all, you can safely assume that I am not a good talker. Starting a conversation is even more difficult for me. So, it – the complain of a lack of conversation – is a little hypocrital coming from me. But I can write, so here I am, doing that.
What am I doing here, is a question I must be asking ourselves, infact I do ask this to myself sometimes. It seems too self-righteous. Maybe it is. But that shouldn’t stop me from looking for an answer. However, it is just too easy for me to settle into a passive behavior where the college time table decides my activities of the day. Other than that, I read and avoid people. Until the next day. And it becomes an easy routine.
I remember talking about our careers to my wingies last year after midsems. We were so determined to figure out what we wanted to do in those few days of holidays after midsems. But then the routine took over and we are, more or less, still in the same place. I mean, our rooms are one floor above but who cares. We watch movies, TV series, videos on YouTube, some play gamea, crack a few jokes, criticise a few people, talk about what’s wrong with things around us.
Sometimes I feel like there is a cynical hidden purpose to our evasion from having meaningful conversations about our future, and that is to hide away from reality – a reality that is not too apparent to a whole lot of us. I truly admire my colleagues from the 4-year program who will brave the placements season this year. I feel that we, from 5-year program, are all too cozy in the belief that this one extra year will suddenly enlighten us about our futures.
So I return to my silence. And I hate being silent. I dislike misunderstanding others and being so misunderstood myself. I loathe being unable to move ahead, in the easiness of the ‘hectic schedule’ that leaves a lot of time every day for me.
I hate that I sometimes go to places, to talk to people, to professors and returning back because I cannot bring myself to talk to them. I hate when I have to put an impossible amount of effort to speak to those closest to me because I sometimes feel too self-righteous, or too self-occupied or self-pity.
But I still feel an urge to talk, about a lot of things. If only I could do that. Things may not be very different. But they definitely wouldn’t be the same.